Artemis Fowl (07.03.20)

 

In 2001, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone launched a prolonged trend of movie studios adapting novels written for kids and the young adult crowd into major motion pictures. For a time it seemed as if every successful book was destined to get its own adaptation, for better (Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia) or for worse (Eragon, Percy Jackson). It was, therefore, always a bit baffling to me that Artemis Fowl, my second favorite childhood series after Harry Potter, never received such attention when it was at the height of its popularity. I remember dream casting a hypothetical Artemis Fowl film with one of my buddies in middle school, and now, almost two decades later, one has finally been set loose on the world. Going into this movie, I tried to have an open mind. The trailers made it look terrible and highly unfaithful to the source material, and the fact that it was originally meant for theatrical release only to be turned into a Disney+ exclusive at the last second did not exactly fill me to the brim with confidence. Sadly, I now find that these initial wary thoughts were blissfully naïve and understated, as Artemis Fowl is a cinematic mess that is sure to please absolutely no one.

            As an adaptation, Artemis Fowl is a train wreck. Awkwardly shoving the first book and about one third of the second book into the same hour-and-a-half while tying them together with a brand new and poorly explained MacGuffin, the movie makes so many changes in plot, character, and tone that it is almost unrecognizable to fans of the original series. Artemis, a criminal mastermind who is also the primary villain of the book, is here turned into a Disney-esque Spy Kid good guy who everyone insists is a genius despite his never doing anything particularly ingenious. Commander Root is now a woman (and played by a very uninterested Judi Dench), Juliet is now twelve, Holly is now white, all the characters are now two-dimensional, up is now down, right is now left, and why this movie is called Artemis Fowl, I have no idea.

            All of this would be somewhat acceptable if it was a good film on its own, but it is not. Flying from plot point to plot point (sometimes literally), Artemis Fowl takes absolutely no time to make the audience understand or care what is going on. There is something about a long-lost weapon with the capability to wipe out all life or something, a plan to capture a fairy because of reasons, and a sudden alliance between the two at-odds protagonists because the (multiple) script writers said so. Artemis Fowl never gave me a reason to invest in its mess of a story, and by the cliffhanger at the end all I could muster was a massive, bemused shake of the head. The only good things I can say about this movie is that Josh Gad (who plays the dwarven thief Mulch Diggums) vaguely amused me a couple of times and that I didn’t have to pay for it because I already subscribe to Disney+.

            It fails for pre-existing fans, it fails for newcomers… just give Artemis Fowl a pass and go watch Harry Potter again or something.

            Artemis Fowl is now available on Disney+.

This review was first published in The Keizertimes on July 3rd, 2020. Visit at http://keizertimes.com/

Hindsight: I don't know why, but I don't think this was a very good review. Maybe I was too casual? Dunno. The movie DID suck, though. 

 

Mrs. America (06.19.20)

 

I sincerely believe that social media platforms such as Twitter and Facebook are some of the most harmful inventions of the twenty-first century. Sure, they let you keep up with family and friends and make it easier to share clips of cats doing stupid things, but the detrimental aspects are legion as well—disinformation, depression-causing comparisons, and cyberbullying, to name a few. The most insidious feature of social media, however, is the minimization of people and complicated issues into bite-sized bits. 280 characters are not enough to contain an entire person, nor can they convey every facet of a complicated issue. We are, simply put, reduced to the most rudimentary forms of the stances we take. But while social media has certainly exacerbated this practice, it by no means invented it—historians have done this too often as well. Mrs. America, a new FX miniseries and Hulu exclusive, attempts to subvert such oversimplified approaches by exploring one such complex issue, the 1970s struggle to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment, as thoroughly as it can. The resulting nine hours is a superbly acted explosion of style that is not only guaranteed to entertain, but also enlighten.  

The perpetually incredible Cate Blanchett leads the equally wonderful ensemble as Phyllis Schlafly, famous conservative spokeswoman and the ERA’s staunchest opponent in the 70s. Blanchett presents Schlafly as much more than her beliefs, however, and gives the real-life historical figure the nuance that all real-life people deserve. When interviewed by People Magazine, Blanchett stated that her “function was not to judge [Schlafly], it was to place her as well roundly as [she] could, so that she could be a foil for the other people and that you get a sense of what it is to be a female in the 1970s or 2020.” In this, the entire cast succeeds, as there is not a single weak link in the acting to be found. Perhaps more importantly, the show itself does not pick sides—instead of taking the easy route of casting one group as the heroes and the other group as the villains, it illustrates the good and bad on both sides of the issue and lets the viewer come to their own conclusions. This is important, as the topics explored are some that are still relevant and hotly debated today—gender roles, abortion, and the role of family in society, to name a few—and understanding opposing viewpoints is vital to civilized debate. Schlafly and Gloria Steinem (here played by Rose Byrne) are presented as more than 280 characters.  

Accompanying the excellent acting is a whole lot of style. Mrs. America pops with vintage visuals and authentic 70s tunes, giving the admittedly slow-burn story a lot of personality. I would be a liar if I said that I understood all the political speak and maneuvering, but I was also never bored. For a miniseries all about politics, this is an impressive feat.  

So log off of Facebook, put down your phone, and pick up your phone again to watch Mrs. America. Empowerment awaits.  

Mrs. America is now available on Hulu. 

This review was first published in The Keizertimes on June 19th, 2020. Visit at http://keizertimes.com/

Hindsight: Although not as blatant as my review for that one Ted Bundy documentary, this one also comes off as a bit preachy. I also wasn't sure about those last couple of sentences... I just needed a way to end the article and that was the best I could do at the time. Looks fine in retrospect, though. 

Space Force Season 1 (06/12/20)

Tom Lehrer once said that “political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.” Not only is this a sick Kissinger burn, but it also raises an excellent point: a key characteristic of satire is taking an idea that is worthy of mockery (at least in the eyes of the satirist… please don’t send me angry letters, Kissinger groupies) and, as the filmmakers who created the all-time classic This is Spinal Tap would say, “turning it up to eleven.” But where can that dial go if it is already at eleven? Does it go to twelve, or does it go all the way around back to one? This was a quandary faced by Greg Daniels (yes, I reviewed another project of his just a few weeks ago, but I need a lot of comedy in my life at the moment… I’m only human!) and Steve Carell when they decided to riff on the unexpected and bizarre declaration that the United States would be extending its military reach to the Final Frontier. Unfortunately, the first season of Netflix’s Space Force seems to have a hard time deciding if it wants to commit to the complete wackiness of a twelve or go down to a more realistic one, and the humor is quite uneven as a result.

            The show starts off strong: Steve Carell is in his element as the gravelly-voiced Mark Naird, a no-nonsense four-star general tasked with leading the fledgling military branch into greatness. John Malkovich serves as his scientific advisor/straight man, and both are complemented by an extremely talented cast (including the great Fred Willard in his last on-screen role before his death). The production values are high, the laughs are solid and culminate in a side-splitting scene involving a chimp in a space suit floating through the vacuum, but just when you think you’ve found your new favorite show, things fizzle out and the dial drops. The middle episodes become a slog with laughs that are few and far between, and the show attempts to juggle so much character development from the get-go that you have a hard time caring about any of it. A lot of it feels like a missed opportunity; you expect a hilarious punchline and it either doesn’t come or it is much weaker than it should be. The dial drops to one and some very funny people have nothing funny to say. Lisa Kudrow of Friends fame, for instance, has a total of maybe two jokes throughout the entirety of season 1, which is a downright shame, and Ben Schwartz, a very funny comedian that audiences may recognize as Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Recreation, is reduced to a very unfunny parody of Anthony Scaramucci who acts a lot like Jean-Ralphio without the likeability.    

            …But just when you’re about to give up and watch something else, the last two episodes become hilarious again, and the season ends in a very interesting place that practically begs for a follow-up. If you are willing to slog through the moments where the dial is at a one, the bookend twelves are worth your time. Let’s just hope they can keep it there for all of season 2 and give these funny people some more consistent material.  

            Space Force season 1 is now available on Netflix.

This review was first published in The Keizertimes on June 12th, 2020. Visit at http://keizertimes.com/

 

Hindsight: I don't know who Tom Lehrer is. I just Googled "quotes on satire" or something because while I had heard the quote before, I had no idea who said it. Since I wrote this review I have also found out that I am (apparently) in the minority when I say that Space Force starts out good and then gets boring; everyone else that I've discussed it with feels the opposite (that it starts out slow and gets good in the middle). I stand by what I said, and I also stand by Ben Schwartz's character being unfunny, even though a lot of people disagree. Opinions are funny that way. 

I also find it silly that I expected people to remember that I reviewed another Greg Daniels show (Upload) a few weeks before this. Ain't nobody following my reviews that closely!  

Dracula (06/05/20)

 

“Listen to them, the children of the night. What music they make!”

            Although legends of the bloodsucking, darkness-loving undead have existed since time immemorial everywhere from Ancient Greece to Mesopotamia, it was Bram Stoker who codified the myth of the vampire in his classic 1897 novel Dracula. This landmark piece of Gothic literature catapulted the children of the night into pop culture superstardom, and with this rise of popularity an interesting thing has happened: Our vampires have gotten nicer, sexier, and more heroic. It’s hard to remember that these fictional demons were once the absolute epitome of evil when one stops to admire the hunkiness of an Edward (Twilight), the sensitive brooding of an Angel (the Buffy the Vampire Slayer universe), or the silliness of a Leith Evergreen (yes, this is a shameless plug for my own novel, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Apocalypse, which is available on Amazon!). The latest adaptation of the big daddy vampire himself, however, Netflix’s Dracula, effectively brings the menace back to the legend in a brilliantly acted four-and-a-half-hour roller coaster ride of playfully subverted expectations.

            Developed by Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat- names you might recognize if you are a fan of either Doctor Who or Sherlock- Dracula is a thoroughly British experience in the sense that it is performed by actors who you might not have heard of, but who can act circles around ninety percent of Hollywood’s talent. The clear MVP here is the brilliant Claes Bang, who plays a Count who can, at the drop of a hat, shift from silently sinister to chewing up the scenery with such gusto that I’m surprised he had any room in his stomach for blood. It is also British in the sense that it is very short: just three episodes long with each episode being an hour-and-a-half.         

            This format may cause the story to lag a bit at times, particularly in the third episode, which I must say isn’t nearly as good as the first two. To talk about the third episode in any detail beyond this would be dangerous spoiler alert territory, however, as Dracula does what BBC’s Sherlock does with great delight: starting off with territory that is familiar to those who know the source material and then changing it up in increasingly bigger ways until you’re in a completely unfamiliar place without quite knowing how you got there. As a fan of Stoker’s original novel, I was thrilled with the ways this series surprised me throughout, even if the story itself lagged occasionally. Again, this is mostly a third episode problem, as the first and second episodes are brilliant.

An additional word of caution- Netflix may say that this series is TV-14, but I can’t see how this is possible. Dracula is not afraid to get TV-MA gory when it wants to, particularly in the first episode, which involves, among other horrors, a man wearing the face of another man and the beheading of a nun. Maybe don’t watch this one with the kids. If you can stomach it, however, Dracula is a bloody brilliant time that not only doesn’t suck (again, see my book if you want even more vampire puns!), but also effectively returns the vampire to its rightful place: our darkest nightmares.

This review was first published in The Keizertimes on June 5th, 2020. Visit at http://keizertimes.com/

Hindsight: When The Keizertimes published this article, they included a picture of Van Helsing with a caption stating that the character was indeed the legendary vampire hunter. This bothered me, because the identity of the character is actually a big twist in the series. There was no way for the paper to know that without actually watching the series, though, so I forgive them. They don't have time to watch TV... that's why they have me do it. 

I'm rather proud of the article itself.... I think it flows well and hits on everything I wanted to talk about. That third episode really does suck.