Firestarter (06.10.22)

 

For every great novel in Stephen King's expansive body of work, there are two that are less-than-memorable. For every less-than-memorable book, there are a handful of really crappy movies and TV shows based on those books. Not all adaptations can be a Misery or a Shawshank Redemption… sometimes things end up closer to The Dark Tower or Maximum Overdrive on the spectrum of quality. Firestarter might not be a new benchmark for King-adjacent schlock, but it definitely tries its hardest to be.    

As it is was produced by Blumhouse Productions, a studio known for its low budgets and lack of interference in the artistic process, Firestarter was always going to be either a cult success or straight trash. As it turns out there’s simply not much in Firestarter that works. The script is lazy and full of awkward dialogue that is far removed from anything anyone would ever say, supernatural elements aside. The acting is wooden and equally as unnatural, and try as it might, the movie just isn’t scary. This is partly because of the premise (I’ve never read the novel, nor have I seen the original 1984 adaptation that starred a very young Drew Barrymore as the main character, but “girl who lights things on fire with her mind” doesn’t strike me as one of King’s scarier ideas) and partly because the evil and super-secret government agency that serves as the antagonist of the film seems to only have two very non-threatening employees up until the very last scene, robbing the proceedings of any tension as we are told but not shown that we should be worried for the hero characters.  

The filmmakers behind Firestarter apparently wanted their movie to feel like a throwback to 80s horror cinema, if the text font and synth-heavy score by the legendary John Carpenter are any indication. And it does indeed feel like a throwback, just not the good kind. Stylistic choices like this are fine (see Stranger Things for an example of retro for the sake of nostalgia done right), but when you combine them with tepid acting, poor special effects, and an awkward script, the result doesn’t make you feel like you’re watching a good movie from 2022 or 1980, but a made-for-TV bore that was designed to fill time between commercials (from 1980). Even Carpenter’s score is lackluster; when it’s not being dull it’s being a straight self-parody of his much better Halloween soundtrack.  

When it comes down to it, the biggest knock against Firestarter is the fact that it’s downright boring. This was one of those movies where I was constantly checking the progress bar at the bottom of the screen to see how time I had left before I could watch something else. There’s nothing in the plot that we haven’t seen hundreds of times before, and the ending further proves the maxim that Stephen King often has a hard time bringing his stories to a close. And in honor of bad endings, this review is now over.  

Firestarter is now available on Peacock.  

This review was first published in The Keizertimes on June 10th, 2022. Visit at http://keizertimes.com/

The Bob's Burgers Movie (06.03.22)

 

As a reviewer, I try my hardest to avoid exposure to other people's opinions of newly released movies and TV shows before I can watch them myself, as well as any spoilers that manage to leak online. I’m the kind of guy whose opinion can be easily swayed by others without even knowing it, and the last thing I want to do is to parrot what someone else is saying rather than reporting what I really think. Sometimes, however, you just know what you’re going to get beforehand no matter how blind you go into something. The Bob’s Burgers Movie, the big screen adaptation of the long-running FOX series, was exactly what I expected it to be, no more and no less, and it was perfect because of it. 

For those unfamiliar with the original show, Bob’s Burgers is an animated comedy about a wacky family in the vein of The Simpsons or Family Guy, but decidedly more wholesome and family-friendly. The Belchers are not as dysfunctional as their fellow FOX families, and their show is generally pretty sunny in its disposition. As for the humor, Bob’s Burgers depends less on the set-up, big laugh, set-up, big laugh formula of other shows and instead supplies near constant chuckles, only occasionally prompting laugh-out-loud moments. I am, as you can tell, a fan, and the movie did not disappoint.  

Like The Simpsons Movie before it, The Bob’s Burgers Movie plays out much like an extended episode of the show, but with cleaner and more detailed animation and… well, I guess that’s it, really. The stakes in the movie aren’t much higher than they can sometimes reach in the show, nor are the musical numbers any more spectacular (yes, there are musical numbers; Bob’s Burgers loves its musical numbers), but that this just stands in testament to the overall quality of the show the film is based on. The conflicts seen in the film aren’t really anything new either… Bob and Linda have money problems, Tina has boy problems, Louise has growing-up problems, and Gene has a silly music-related problem. Supplementing the core group are the family’s usual massive extended cast, from Kevin Kline and Zach Galifianakis as the Fischoeder brothers to Paul Rudd's bit part as an imaginary horse named Jericho. The movie is also like the show in the sense that it is perfectly suitable for the whole family: There might be an adult reference here or there, but certainly nothing that a kid would understand or care about.  

If you are a fan, you owe it to yourself to see the Belchers on the big screen because while it may be more of the same, it is still the show at its best. If you’ve never seen an episode but are still in the mood for some breezy, pre-summer fun at the movies, The Bob’s Burgers Movie is friendly enough to newcomers, although pre-existing familiarity with the characters does undoubtedly enhance the experience.  

The Bob’s Burgers Movie is now available exclusively in theaters.  

This review was first published in The Keizertimes on June 3rd, 2022. Visit at http://keizertimes.com/